Sweat Pants and other Romantic Items

Right now I feel like this song by the Talking Heads:

"How did I get here? This is not my beautiful house! This is not my beautiful wife!" Part of me is shocked by how nice J is and that I'm not sure if he is being serious. The other part of me is just shocked by the sudden change of relationship status. All of the sudden I find myself in a "relationship." Ummm....what?! Ya, once again, I don't really want a boyfriend. No reason really except that I just broke up with someone in January and I just don't feel like relationship hopping. Although there is something untrue about that statement since I was ACTIVELY searching for someone to date. So basically, I'm a weirdo, and no matter what, will never be happy with my life circumstances. Sweet.

Anyway, things between J and I have been great. He is really, very sweet! He is super attentive which is great for me because I LOVE attention. He is very easy going, funny, smart and actually fun to hang around with. We laugh at the same stupid jokes and what's even more nice is that he likes the same tv shows, being lazy and drinking at my house!!! And he's smart....really smart, and motivated and has a good career and is extremely supportive of mine! So basically its been awesome. I just think that what I need to do is make sure I get enough alone time so I don't end up hating him and being a total bitch. I usually say yes to hanging out when deep inside I'm feeling more like a no. Not sure why I do that. Then I start acting bitchy and super passive aggressive and then my bf is confused over my sudden bizarre change of behavior. Pretty much not the way to act at all unless you want someone to hate you in a couple of months.

So here is what wonder boy J did for me yesterday. I was gone on a business trip for 6 days. When I got back I came into my apartment to find a bouquet of roses, a sweet card, and a pair of my favorite sweat pants from Victoria's Secret. He missed me and wanted to have something sweet and something comfy for me to come home to. How nice is that? Its actually really thoughtful. Like who encourages their girlfriend to wear sweat pants???? Bananas. He is so nice that I'm not even sure what to think of him yet. I'm pretty sure that the minute I start to REALLY like him that asshole Ashton Kutcher is gonna pop out and tell me I'm being "Punked." I've never had someone be this nice to after only dating for 4 weeks.... or ever really. He is extremely thoughtful. I'm not someone who needs gifts or anything, but dang, he picks really nice gifts. His gifts are all about my comfort. So far I've received two bouquets, Chinese takeout and sweat pants. This is porn for girls. Not sure what tomorrow will bring, but I'm really enjoying my time with him.

Back at Square One

"You're so perfect and special and amazing and cool and awesome!"

Sorry kiddos for being MIA for so long. I got really sick and then I had to travel for work, so basically, life took over and kicked my ass for a bit. Now I'm back and shit do I have a lot to say.

Since its Thursday I need to update you all on my "progress." Well.... I'm back at square one. I ate like shit and haven't exercised for over 2 weeks. No progress here. And as far as being stupid goes, well I'm still a dunce. I haven't learned Spanish yet and I'm still being a complete idiot with boys. I also have some yummy food stuff to write about, but I will save that for tomorrow's blog. Today, I'll tell you why I'm stupid again.

So somehow I find myself having a boyfriend all of the sudden. He pulled some magic ninja ass shit on me and now I think I'm totally in a relationship. This is all a little disturbing to me since I really don't want to have a boyfriend right now. I just want someone cool to take me out to dinner twice a month. I'm not sure what label that is, but whatever it is, that's what I want. What I don't want is eating cheesy broccoli rice and left over meatloaf in sweat pants while blogging and sitting besides someone watching Sports Center. That is LITERALLY happening at this very moment. I kinda hate myself.

Let's call new guy "J." I met J at a bar on St.Patty's Day. We were both squished up against a wall while trying to make it through a crowded bar, made eye contact and start laughing at the ridiculousness of our situation. We started talking and I really liked him and we ended up making out and he got my number (TMI for my sisters, sorry). After that night, he called me several times and we've been out to 3 really nice dinners, one breakfast, and we've cooked together twice. I still really like him. He's totally easy to get along with, super cute, tall, fun....but he's 25 and he also might like me a little too much. Homie calls a lot.....a LOT. He also has already been texting me that he misses me when I leave town for work. And today, I find myself eating leftovers and acting so coupley that I don't even know what to do with myself. I totally blame myself. I should know by now that I don't enjoy being smothered. I should have said I was busy or something but he always asks to hang out at times that I'm taken off guard and actually think its a good idea. Example: he shows up at my house with a bouquet of flowers and take out since he thought I would be tired after traveling for work. At that moment, he kicked ass! Then, as I am munching on Chinese noodles, he asks if he can come over the next night. Since my belly was full of chow mein and I had a bouquet I greedily shook my head yes! At that moment I couldn't think of anything better than seeing him again. Then I went to work today, had a full day of crazy ass clients and wanted nothing more but to eat leftover meatloaf in my sweat pants, fart the night away, and paint my nails while watching Game of Thrones. Ya....that's not happening tonight. Instead I'm spending the evening with someone cute who finds me amazing although he might be a little needy. We shall see if the crazy shit will hit the fan. Not sure if it will be him or me at this point. Signing off till then!

The Ides of March

So its Thursday, and I guess that means I need to check in with my community here and talk about all the things I have (not) accomplished.

I had my first personal training session yesterday. I'm crazy sore. Also, I almost threw up. I had the brilliant idea of going out with a bang so I drank the night before, ate hot wings and tater skins, smoked 3 cigarettes and had 5 hours of sleep. Let me tell you.....TERRIBLE IDEA. At one point I had to stop exercising, excuse myself to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face, then stand outside for about 10 minutes so I wouldn't hurl. Can you say GLAMOUR GIRL? My trainer said I was pale and green. Not good signs. He is also having me eat every 2.5 hours and I thought that it sounded like a grand idea, but its NOT! It's actually making me feel nauseous. It's just too much food. I feel like I'm constantly digesting food which is a gross feeling. I'm so bloated and I hate it. I prefer my diet that consists of not eating all day, then binging on pizza or a paninni at 3pm, then drinking all night and eating a Lunchable with a bag of Flammin' Hot Cheetos. As I am writing this, I am force feeding myself a yogurt. Bleh.

So I'm not sure if I excelled or failed miserably at the challenge of not being stupid with boys. I met this guy (lets call him The Professor) and we hit it off immediately. We went to a microbrewery on our first date and it was super fun. We had a ton in common and I just genuinely liked his personality, kinda a hipster-nerd thing going on. After our first date, he had plans to go to Europe for 2 weeks. Kinda sucked cause I wanted to see him again. Anyways, after his trip he contacted me and planned our second date. On the second date he took me out for burgers and scotch at a really nice restaurant in town. He also brought me back a scarf from his travels which I thought was super sweet! Second date went really well and I invited him back to my apartment to hang out. I was surprised that he didn't try any 'funny business' and was actually impressed that he was trying to get to know me rather than stick his hands in my g-bang. Two days after that date, he called me and invited me out for breakfast. I went and we had another fun time! He also went with me to Target and helped me pick out toys for my nieces and nephew. He also told me that he bought us tickets to go to a concert together in May. Obviously he MUST like me, right?? He was planning future dates and shit. So why was there NEVER a kiss?? I'm 29 and he is 30, the jig is up. I understand not kissing on the first date but on the 3rd? Shit is getting weird. So all this is making me feel slightly weird but I'm pushing it into the back of my head. Then we had our 4th date Tuesday night. I purposely wore a low cut shirt to see if he was gay or not and I didn't even catch him checking out my boobs! Very peculiar. Also, on all 4 dates he never once complimented me on my looks, just my personality. Our last date ended well again, and he made plans to spend St. Patty's Day with me but once again, no kiss.

I went to work and told the girls the strange dating habits of The Professor and then things got weird. We decided, as a group, to FaceBook stalk the shit out of him for clues to try and decipher his weird asexual ways. I was convinced he was gay, S was convinced he had a wife, and Y thought he was just being a gentlemen. So through the majesty of social media, we concluded that he indeed has a girlfriend who now lives in Russia. Also that little trip to Europe of his, ya, he was visiting her. And there were pics of them together frolicking in the snow talking about how they love each other and love watching each other sleep (??). Also, the Russkie looks EXACTLY like me but 20 lbs heavier. Honestly. She is my little rotund doppelganger. We look so similar that I was taking pictures of her on my phone to send my girlfriend.

Now I'll get to the good part. Through a serious of very strange and unfortunate events, I end up sending The Professor a thumbnail image of HIS girlfriend to HIM! Right. So awkward. I can actually FEEL the bile rise in my throat. The thing is, it was a very small thumbnail and it was somehow in the bottom right corner of another photo that I sent him. I'm not sure if he even saw it. Also, he could possibly think its me, cause its that small and she is my damn twin and all. My own sister thought it was a picture of me! Anyways, now I feel super awkward and I don't want to see him ever again. I know he is going to ask me tomorrow is we are still on for the weekend. This will be my reply:

No actually. I liked you and had a lot of fun with you. I feel like you have feelings for someone else and I think it's a little dishonest and unfair to me. Good luck and take care.

So one part of me feels like I'm being smart. But the other part of me is kicking my own ass for stalking someone, and then sending him photos of evidence. Ya. Its a toss up here. Anyone out there ever get caught fucking up with technology?? The damn kids with their Walkmans, and their FaceSpace and the Google! Comment below. I need to hear it!

I'm With Stupid

So I'm taking Pish Posh Blog up on her Thursday Get Fit Challenge thingy. Basically the deal is that I'm supposed to make a goal and write about it every Thursday. My goal is to stop being stupid. Seriously, that's my goal.

I am so stupid in so many ways.

The first way I'm stupid is I let the little things get me. For instance, I'm pissed off right now. My crazy ass alcoholic of a neighbor actually had the nerve to ask me to not slam the laundry room door. Yes I did slam it. The wind caught the door and I ended up slamming it on accident. I never do that and I never even use the laundry room. I usually have some lady named Lourdes do my laundry. I would understand confronting me if this was a normal behavior of mine, running around slamming laundry room doors. But it's not!!! Anyways, this is all coming from the alcoholic who is CONSTANTLY fighting and screaming with her live-in boyfriend.

The second way I'm stupid is I am quite literally stupid. Honestly, there are so many simple things that I suck at. Simple things like reading time, 5th grade math, and world capitals. You think I would have sat down at one point and educated myself. I do have the internet an all. But I don't. I watch re-runs and I eat Flammin' Hot Cheetos. The thing that is bothering me most of all is that I have a desire to learn Spanish since BOTH my parents are fluent. My dad even bought me Rosetta Stone. I only try to do the program after consuming a gallon of wine and end up falling asleep with the ear phones on. If I was a smart person, I would actually study and follow the program and find some handsome Spaniard to take me out to dinner and practice my conversational Spanish with.

The third way I'm stupid is with boys. If you have read my blog at all, you would know this. I've been running around like an 8th grade girl. I have been boy crazy and I don't like it. I'm gonna cut that out. And I just behave like a weirdo in general. If I like a boy I insist on paying on a date, and if I don't like him, I let him treat me. Shouldn't I do the opposite??? I also make up tons of excuses for their weird behaviors, then end up dating grown babies, train them and they usually break up with me and find someone else to be with now that they are all fixed. Need an example? Read A Conversation With An Ex Boyfriend.

The last way I'm stupid is with my health. I eat like shit, drink too much, sleep too little, and never exercise. 'Nuff said. So to combat being fat and stupid, I hired a personal trainer. He works at the same gym my ex boyfriend works at so I might remain stupid. However, it is literally the only gym in town.

Anyways, how do I work against all this stupid? Any suggestions?? Comment away!

I Need a Man Like A Pie Crust

Flaky, warm and tender. Sounds like an ok man to me.

Last night something weird happened.

As I stumbled home from happy hour I decided to check my emails. I found one that was so rude and annoying that I wrote back a snarky retort (still funny this morning without the help of alcohol). As I lay in bed grimacing while drifting off into sleep, I had a moment where I HILARIOUSLY compared men to pie crusts and then thought I must remember this and blog about it tomorrow.

For the life of me, I can not remember what the analogy was. All I remember is that it was brilliant and actually made me laugh out loud.

Now let me explain to you this annoying email and why I had pie crust induced profound wisdom. Things are going to get weird. You are about to delve into the dark recesses of my mind and actually see what its like when I'm trying to be "flirty."

A couple of days ago I did what I never thought I would do. I blame half of this on my sister for saying that she thought I would 'have fun' and I blame the rest on commercials. I joined Match.com. It wasn't pretty. I filled out the info and uploaded some lame pic of me playing with my hair and another one of me drinking four margaritas at once (I wanted some truth in the profile).

One question asked was name your favorite book where I wrote: I read all the time. I don't have a favorite book.

And this is true. I do read all the time. I just finished reading some Vonnegut, have a fantasy novel at work, and reading a sci fi novel of my dads at night. I never claimed that I read great books, but seriously, I do read.

Under the tab of "what I'm looking for" I actually wrote this:

Its all quite simple with me. I'm looking for someone who is easy to get along with that makes me laugh. You must be the creative type and be ok with acting silly and goofy from time to time. I don't take myself too seriously, and you shouldn't either. You also should be an adventurous eater since I love to cook and I love trying new restaurants in town. I want to add that I like nice people! And I want a smart and funny guy with a bit of a snarky side. I want him to know the difference between there, their, and they're and text me correctly.

Short and simple, and I agree with my list of wants. However, there is a fine line between being snarky and being an asshole. You have to have finesse to be snarky. I am Snarky, Tim of Let Me Think For You is snarky, Pish of PishPoshBlog is snarky. None of us are assholes (intentionally anyways).

So this dude writes me this email:

Hey, I would like to introduce myself and just say I'll probably be one of the funniest most entertaining people you'll ever meet, not sure about snarky, but funny.....Anyways, I really doubt you "read all the time" so how about you tell me something truthful about yourself?

First off, he didn't introduce himself, so he is stupid. Secondly, SO MANY grammatical errors! Third, he had an annoying profile about how he only meets "crazy girls" who have tons of cats. And lastly, don't call me a liar, asshole.

So here is my response:

If you have to introduce yourself as funny, you usually are not. I would love to get together sometime. Unfortunately, I wont be able to since I have a hoard of cats and a stack of Cliff Notes to get to so I seem well read.

Toodle-Lou!

G

This is where I decided that Match.com is NOT for me. I judge everyone. Everyone on it looks suspicious and very lonely. And if those profile pics are the BEST images people can find of themselves, then SB is not doing so well in the looks department. I have officially erased my page.

Also, just announcing here that I seriously don't care to date anymore. The initially rush of running around trying to find someone cute and cool has really died down for me. I don't care anymore. I have good girlfriends. I can go out any night of the week and have fun. I'm taking salsa classes, line dancing and possibly a painting class. I'm good.

However, I do have a date tonight. But I can't blog about him yet. He's been too normal. ;)

A Conversation With An Ex Boyfriend

Original Party Foul.

Well congratu-fuckin-lations. You have managed to accomplish EVERYTHING I've asked you to do over the last TWO YEARS in 3 months. You've moved out of your parents home and into your own apartment in Carp, you are now taking you job and career more seriously, and now you are going out, being social and having fun. Well I'm so happy you decided to do it now as opposed to any other fucking time that we were together.

What's that you say? You have a new girlfriend? She sounds like a real peach. Of course I would have been a peach too if say, you did any of the above mentioned things when we were together. I'm so glad she "gets you" and that she doesn't "stress you." I wouldn't have been a nagging bitch either if you lived on your own, paid for ANYTHING, and were generally a fun person to be around. Funny how when you start to act like an adult and take care of your shit that the women around you act so fucking pleasant. Well have fun with Charlotte (the cool laid back girl who doesn't nag you because now you're so fucking responsible). Just for kicks, why don't you revert to your old self and see how cool Charlotte is in about one month? I do love science experiments.

Great talking with you!

Comfort Food

Pies filled with meat and memories

I like to cook. Its fun to be in the kitchen and have everyone around laughing, sampling things, fighting, then drinking wine. Its kinda how my family works. Its a lot of hanging out, mixed with a dash of tears, and then smothered with compliments and talk of how cool our family is especially in comparison to others.

Yesterday was kinda a hard day. It was the last day spent in my family's old house. 21 years of laughing, crying, blowing out birthday candles all packed up and put in the back of my father's truck, or worse, the trash. It was so spooky to do the final walk through and see every room so hollow. I remember sharing one room with my sister, the first time I got my own room, the first time Nan's got her own room, the first Christmas with my niece, the day my grandma died. It was all there under that one roof. And there was my father, winded from packing, his gray hair damp with sweat, looking old for the first time.

I've never liked changed. It always bothers me. I'm not someone who adjusts quickly. As I helped my dad get the last bits into the back of his '74 Chevy pickup (primer gray for the last 12 years) I couldn't help feeling nostalgic and melancholy. I know our family will continue to celebrate, tease each other, and make new memories, but I just can't associate a home with it yet. I guess a home can be anywhere you gather with your family and eat yummy food. Reminds me of the first Christmas we spent in Carpinteria.

We moved to Carpinteria because of my fathers new job. His work put our family up in an apartment until we found a house to live in. It was small and cramped especially with seven people. That year I was sick with bronchitis and didn't get to perform in the school Christmas Pageant. We were supposed to sing "Its a Small World" and dress in different traditional outfits from around the world. My mom made me the best traditional Russian dress complete with a flower and ribbon wreath for my hair. I was beyond upset that I missed it. And to make matters worse, we didn't get a Christmas tree that year. I remember crying on the couch wrapped up in a blanket and complaining to my mom. She literally got a bare tree branch from outside, put it in a vase and hung Christmas ornaments on it for me. She also made me a huge bowl of Galushki soup. I had a good Christmas that year.

Before I left my family's house for the last time, I invited my father over for a meal before he hit the road. In effort to supply that same kind of feeling of family and home, I decided to make empanadas. I made everything from scratch. The dough was my mom's recipe and the filling was what my family calls T Gina chicken after my "Tia Gina" on my dad's side. It took close to four hours to make. The empanadas didn't taste like my moms but they were still good. I was sad that my dad wasn't able to come by and try them but I know he would have thought they were great. I will make them again and bring them to him. I will also make a plate for my brother, his wife, and their three children. His kids need to know what empanadas are. Its practically in our DNA.

Home is where your family is. Family is a compilation of traditions. Traditions are food. Enjoy them all while you're able.

Back to Food

I'm gonna eat you.

So I'm kinda in the mood to cook tonight! Hopefully I don't get out to late from work and have to eat ramen again...or worse, Taco Bell. Ya, I'm classy like that.

My idea stemmed from the yummy pasta at Trader Joes. Its a lemon and black pepper paparadelle. Its sooo yummy just on its own with butter! So I want to cook that and then make a butter and chardonnay sauce with seafood. I have a pack of the Trader Joes frozen seafood mix which is scallops, shrimp and calamari rings. I will saute the seafood in butter and olive oil with a bit of garlic and shallots. I'll de-glaze the pan with Summerland Winery Chardonnay and then add fresh parsley and lemon. Should be simple and really good. I'll take a pic of it later on today and post it. Of course I'll have a glass of the chardonnay and yell at the tv all night. I can't wait.

Speaking of tv, what should I be watching? My usual's are 30 Rock, Sex and the City, Always Sunny, Real Housewives of anywhere, and sadly, The Bachelor. I'm thinking I'm really going to love Downtown Abbey so that is in the que. Also, I need recommendations for movies too! How should I rot my brain? Leave a comment with a suggestion.

The Honest Truth

Man: I just want to be friends.

Woman: Me too. I don't care about you at all. Don't leave me. I love you.

So lately (as in three days) I decided to not go out so much. Clearly I have been meeting freaks and a little bit of a break wont hurt. So maybe I'll give up drinking and talking to boys for lent?

Doubt it.

Due to me being home more, I started watching re-runs of Sex and the City. Its been cracking me up because I feel TOTALLY different about the show now. I first watched the show at the end of high school/beginning of college. I thought Carrie was so cool and that Mr.Big was so smooth and awesome and that it was such a romantic and tortured relationship. Now that I live on my own, am months away from having a 3 in front of my age as opposed to a one or a two, I feel so different.

Carrie is a fucking nut job. Seriously. A total weirdo. She has a normal relationship with Big until her desperation/neediness makes him hate her. Perfect example: when she goes bananas at Big for not wanting to introduce her to his mom after 3 months of dating!!! Its like WHOA there Carrie, slow it down. Big is super nice to her about it, offers to take her on vacation and talk about it as much as she likes, and she freaks out and stands him up only to stalk him for the next 10 episodes. This is why men think women are crazy. This is why I think women are crazy! It's not normal to act that way. Communication is kinda a big deal in relationships and I'm starting to believe that women are the biggest liars. We try to act all cool and nonchalant and like "I'm totally ok with this going nowhere" only to freak out and stalk the guy. People end up with all this drama and heart break because they are not straight forward in the beginning. We think the way to winning someone over is with mind trickery and games. I am so honest it is shameful. I am so honest that I have NO game. Whatever is on my mind, I blurt out. But I rather be like that then have all this run around.

Example: There was a cute FedEx guy that delivered my hair extensions to the salon. About 6 months ago, he asked me out. I had a bf at the time and had to turn him down. A couple weeks ago, he made a delivery and we starting talking. He was fun and kinda interesting. A few days later I emailed him to tell him I was single and that he could ask me out again. He turned me down since now he has a gf. Was it embarrassing? YES. Did I seem smooth? NO way. Did my girl friends make fun of me for being that forthright? Absolutely. But see, now I know where we stand and I don't have to go out of my way trying to flirt with him and wondering about him and all sorts of stupid shit that would waste my time. Its still embarrassing every time he walks in the salon, but whatever, at least I know.

The Vampire

I'm so dangerous. I'm a vampire. Blah blah blah.

Have you ever met someone who was effortlessly smooth? Its almost a turn off. It makes me wonder how many ladies one had to lure to learn that much. Enter the vampire.

I call him the vampire because the kid must have read every Twilight novel front to back and took notes. We literally had 4 conversations regarding the beauty of sunsets. To me, he is ridiculously good looking, pretty funny, and also very smooth. I met him one night at a bar, and he asked for my phone number and then kissed me on the forehead and left. Too smooth. Makes a girl wonder.

I then randomly ran into him three days later at a line dancing lesson which I would never go to! It felt fateful. It was weird and exciting.

He asked me out and we made plans for a date. Our date was great! We went to a food truck festival, a walk on the beach with his dog, dinner and then hung out talking for a couple of hours. It was a full day of being together and it was fun and super comfortable. But that's the problem with vampires, they're smooth and pretty and are use to lots of attention. He told me multiple times how he "wasn't ready for a relationship" or my personal fav, "I don't want a relationship, but when I'm with you, I kinda do." RED FLAGS. I'm not a very trusting person by nature, so these are the types of things I never want to hear. I'm not necessarily looking for a boyfriend right now, but no one likes to hear the "I'm not ready," saga. When someone says those things to you, its best to just believe them.

He called me today to make further plans and I had to just blow him off and tell him I'm not interested. Already deleted him from the facebook too. Funny thing is he was genuinely surprised. Vampires are used to getting what they want, I presume.

Makes me happy to know that I'm not the kinda girl that can be easily won with a cheesy pick up line and some good looks. I'm chalking this experience to a really fun date night with someone cool. I ain't no booty call!

Whoa Nelly

This guy sucks at his job.

Ok, so its only been days since the last post and I have wanted to say SO many things. Problem is, when you have a blog that isn't so private, and you actually post pics of yourself and your real name, you kinda limit yourself as to what you can write. But I have zero qualms about embarrassing myself (part of my charm) so I'm gonna take a risk here:

Single life is exhausting. It really is. I feel the need to go to EVERYTHING I am invited to. I don't work out anymore, I don't even eat dinner. I go to work and then find something to do in the PM leaving me very little time to do anything like eat or sleep or clean. I have somehow become my male 20 yr old counterpart. I eat like shit and drink too much beer while the dishes are piling up. Hot right?

Instead of reading a book and eating a sensible meal, I now stand under heat lamps, smoking cigarettes (weird) and actually have my leather jacket melt while deep in mindless conversation. I don't even know this girl anymore...but she's having a lot of fun.

Out of the countless bizarre things that have happened in two weeks, I will retell one great story. I meet and go out with a firefighter, and in the events of ONE night the following happens:

It was a blind date. I was told he was 5'10" and he was more like 5'6". Not like it matters, but come on! What a weird lie. Easily debunked. Within seconds he says, "Are you sure you're 5'2?" Ummmm, yes. Yes I am. I so wanted to punk him on his obvious height lie, but whatever, too easy of a jab.

We went to have beers at a local pub. Conversation was going well and I excused myself to the restroom. I fixed my makeup a bit and blotted my nose. When I returned, dude says the following:

Did you just put on more lip gloss?

Umm, ya. Why?

Cause it's distracting.

Ok.

Well, you're mouth isn't really your best feature. Your eyes are. So you should wipe off your lipstick and maybe put on more eye makeup next time.

Ill take that into consideration.

WEIRD!!!! Why would you ever say that to someone?? I may not know a lot of things, but I do know that this is an instant way to piss off ANY girl. Our next gem of a conversation goes something like this:

Ive been single for 2 years now. My last girl friend and I were together for over 3 years.

Oh. What happened?

Well we went out one night, and I saw her give her number to another guy. I went up to her and broke it off right then and there and never talked to her again.

Wow! Just like that? After 3 years?? Well, maybe it was a misunderstanding??

Well maaaaaaaaybe you're an idiot.

So let me get this straight.... Homeboy broke off a 3yr relationship like a crazy person, lies about his height, disgraces my makeup skills, and I'M the idiot??? Projection much?

To cause further confusion, he sends a very nice bouquet the next day to me at work thanking me for such a great date. WAS I ON THE SAME DATE??! I have no clue.

Ok. Game over. Do not pass go....do not collect $200. I want none of this.

On food related stuff: I enjoyed two pints of Anchor Steam Ale. Nice amber color, deliciously frothy, very hoppy and well balanced.

The NON Dieter

Just eat a damn sandwich!

Today's blog will be about food. I have great dating stories to tell you, but I'll save it for another post. It involves, FedEx, hair extensions, and tattoos. Intrigued?

So, is anyone else sick to death of hearing about diets? It ridiculous. The newest one I've heard, and literally know people who are doing it, is insane. You eat 500 calories a day and get a weekly shot of human growth hormone. Say what?! Yup. This is the diet. When are people going to learn that everything in moderation works? "Don't be a freak," is a life long lesson. You like to eat?Great. Don't be a freak about it. You like to work out? Great. Don't be a freak about it. You like to drink ? GREAT. Don't be a freak about it. See where I'm going here?

That 500 calorie a day while shooting up diet is bizzarre. It has made me go on an anti-diet in protest. I decided that I'm going to eat like a European for the next two months and moderatly exercise. I'm not gonna do anything crazy. I'm still gonna drink and I'm still gonna eat. I'm just going to eat non-processed foods. Pretty much eat anything you would find at a farmers market or little deli. Today I made an awesome sandwhich: french bread, artichoke hearts, proscuitto, spiniach and mahon cheese. I brought some fresh fruit too. I know I will lose weight on this "diet." I can't wait for someone to ask me what my secret is, in which I will reply, "NOT BEING A FREAK."

Dating

Feelin feisty. It could be the red wine, or maybe its the prosciutto. Either way, I'll tell you about the dating pool in SB. I promise this weekends blog will have food related stuff. I'll be in Salt Lake City, UT and am bound to eat something tasty.

Anyway, this last weekend I went on a man hunt with my gal pal M. M is recently single too so we had similar objectives. I am weirdly fearless when it comes to men. I will go up to anyone, talk to anyone, call anyone over. This proved to be a negative. Let me break down who I met:

Bald Ego:

Spotted a cute guy at Joe's. I motioned for him to come over. He did. We talked and he seemed cool. I gave him my number. However, he was wearing a beanie. M asked him to reveal his hair, and he was totally bald. NOT A GOOD LOOK. Two days later he texts me. I text him back short answers cause hey, its a text. He proceeds to send me this:

"You are quite loquacious with your texts. Whats with all your short answers? I'm beginning to think I'm talking with a child."

Ok wow. Game over.

Scooby Doo and Desperation Too:

M saw a guy she thought was cute. As a good friend, I offered to be a wing man and start a convo with said guy. My job then was to chat up the friend who looked like Shaggy from Scooby Doo while M did her thang. I asked cute guy for a cigarette (I dont smoke), choked on one for awhile to get the convo going and then talked to Shaggy to keep him busy. Shaggy was cool except the opposite of my type. He was about 6'4" with shaggy hair and super skinny. I gave him my # because I was bored. Since Saturday, he has texted me 4 times and called 3. Desperation is a stinky cologne.

Antique Creeps:

Last guy of the night was odd. He came up to me while I was waiting in line to get into The Savoy. He was ok looking in the face, problem was, he was wearing the following:

1. Sparkly Ed Hardy baseball cap

2. Tight jeans

3. Cowboy boots

He looked like he was pushing 40 too. He was super complimentary and asked for my number. I started to give it to him because at this point I had 4 beers. Immediately, I asked him what my name was. He couldn't remember. Normally I don't care, but this guy was gross. He kept calling me "cutie." I refused to tell him my name or give him the rest of my number. He finished with, "I see you're playing hard to get. Ok cutie, I'll call you later."

Major gross. And asshole, you can't call me. You don't know my name or number.

So if this is whats left out there for us single (approaching 30) women, ummm I give up. Santa Barbara is clearly a mess. Next weekend, I guess Ventura?

And So it Begins!

If only we were all this lucky in love!

Oh my god. So its been almost EXACTLY two years from my last post and sad to say, but not much has changed. Still single, still love food and drink...which leads me to my first rant of the year.

One of the gals I work with suggested I make a fake People Magazine article outlining the reasons why Sam and I broke up after 2 years and insert it into all the magazines at the salon. I'm starting to believe this is a good idea. I didn't realise how invested some people were in my relationship. Apparantly some people are distraught over this breakup. More so, people are distraught over me being single. Here is a DAILY conversation of mine:

Person: So hows your boyfriend?

Me: I'm sure he's fine, but we broke up.

Person: WHA??? Seriously? WHY?

Me: We grew apart. We weren't a great match.

Person: How OLD are you?

Me: 29

Person: Well you better get out there and find someone!

Me: ok

Person: Have you EVER been married?

Me: No.

Person: Have you been close?? I mean, you have HAD to been close to it at some point! Right? Right????

Me: Ummm....what?

I have literally had this conversation at least 3 times this month. Let me ask you, what is "coming close" to marriage? Why are people asking me this? I'm not sure why someone would think that "coming close" to being married is good at all! What would be the benefit of "coming close?" It can only imply that I'm insane. If one were to come close to marriage there could be only one of three options:

Option 1: You bailed on your wedding. Or worse, you were the one who was stood up.

Option 2: You proposed and your beau said no.

Option 3: Your beau was going to propose and then realized you were a scag, so he didn't.

Right. So, no. I have not come close.

I now believe that single people scare the shit out of coupled people. Happy Early Valentine's Day.

Square One

Date: “So, do you work out?”

Me: “No.”

Date: “But you watch what you eat, right?”

Me.: “No. Hey, you wanna do the foie gras appetizer?”

This is the point where his eyes narrowed and he began to imagine me obese and middle aged. First dates are fun.

I was really excited to eat at Square One Restaurant in Santa Barbara. Not only is it aptly named for a first date, but I’ve heard lots of good things about the restaurant and its cool cause the head chef is a woman. Also, the online menu seemed interesting and different. One review mentioned foie gras petit fours. I was definitely interested.

Upon walking in, Square One seemed like just another restaurant in SB. The decor was nice and simple, but lacking some artwork on the walls. It was also very empty for a Friday night, especially during the SB Film Festival. But I didn’t let that deter me.

The menu was really surprising. It had a lot of items that you typically do not see on the normal SB menu. There was a good mix of “normal” fine dining options such as mustard crusted pork chops and obscure items such as pan seared foie gras with green apple puree.

For an appetizer we ordered the cheese plate which had gorgonzola, mejon, and humboldt fog cheese with a side of wild flower honey and chopped nuts. The cheeses were really good, but they all were pretty strong. I would have preferred a selection that featured some milder cheeses.

For my entree I ordered the sweet potato gnocchi with braised lamb. I loved this dish. I do wish that the sweet potato flavor was a little more pronounced but dang, it was tasty. I also have to give this restaurant props because its the only restaurant I know of that makes their pasta in house…yes, even the gnocchi. It was a great dish, and the prices seemed reasonable. I definitely want to spread the word on this restaurant because I thought it was really good and I love the creative menu. I was told that they’re constantly changing their menu and I can’t wait to go back again and see what else they have to offer. Maybe next time I’ll get my foie gras! I’ll also try not to drop my knife four times on the floor.

Menudo: The soup, not the band.

Now this entry is going to make a lot of people mad. I just know it will. But it is my duty to write what I think and bash anything I deem worthy of bashing. So here it goes.

It kinda hurts me inside to say this but, I do not like menudo. Its gross. I really wanted to like it. I thought it seemed like one of those dishes that taste pretty damn good, but to my white friends, I would look like a bad ass for eating it. I wanted to bask in the glory of eating offal and liking it. I wanted to be Mexican for a day and get the thumbs up when I ordered it. I wanted it all!

But alas, not all dreams come true. Menudo is just gross. That is the best word for it. The broth is kinda greasy and the tripe serves no purpose except for stinking up the soup. Tripe is a gelatinous blob that smells like burnt skin. And trust me, I know what burnt skin smells like after cooking a Mexican taco recipe and having a problem translating ingredients. I ended up simmering chicharones (fried pork skin) for over an hour instead of chicharone (pork belly). Not good. Anyway, the broth isn’t too bad. Its super spicy and has a ton of Mexican oregano which gives it an herby earthy taste. The worst part is the tripe. It tastes like musty meat with the consistency of congealed fat. It just isn’t good. I rather eat a thousand cow tongues. Sorry guys, not trying it again.

Bouchon…finally.

** RETRACTION: I'm super embarrassed to admit that I was wrong. Apparantly SB's Bouchon had the name prior to the Napa restaurant. Forgive me Bouchon! Your food is too tasty to make you mad!!

So I finally made the pilgrimage to Santa Barbara’s Bouchon, not to be confused with Thomas Keller’s Napa restaurant with the same name. Even though the SB restaurant lacked in creativity by naming their restaurant after Keller’s, they did not lack in creativity when it came to the food. It truly is one of the best restaurants in SB and is a pity it took me so long to eat there.

I decided to take my mom to Bouchon since she bought us tickets to see Jesus Christ Super Star. The performance pretty much sucked. They were lip singing about 90% of the time. Nothing is sadder than poor old Ted Neeley teetering around a stage, dressed as Jesus, looking as confused as ever, slightly deranged, and like he is having a heroin induced flashback. Ya…it was strange. Anyway, Bouchon made up for it. For those who don’t know, Bouchon is a SB staple. They focus on local wineries and all of their ingredients come from the local farmers market. We all know how I feel about the farmers market, so its no surprise that I’ve been dying to eat there.

We started our meal with the appetizer of the day which was locally caught spiny lobster on a puff pastry with a saffron butter sauce served on a bed of frisse lettuce and mushrooms. It was paired with a glass of Flying Goat’s sparkling Rose. SUCH a good combination. The rose brought out the sweetness of the lobster. It was delectable… like spoon licking good.

The menu was filled with awesome and creative dishes. I really wanted to taste them all. I’m greedy and gluttonous so I couldn’t decide what to eat. That’s why god invented good waiters. Seriously, I develop intimate relationships with my waiters. I told Daniel (waiter boy) that I couldn't decide between the venison, pork chop, or the rack of lamb. He sold me on the lamb which was an EXCELLENT choice.

I love lamb. I frequently order lamb. Problem is, most restaurants use the same type of sauce (cherry or pomegranate) on lamb and it all just ends up tasting the same but good. Not so with Bouchon. Bouchon served their rack of lamb with a blood orange and mint demi glace. Oh. My. God. To me, this was a perfect pairing between taste and texture. The velvety texture of the demi glace mixed with the bitter-citrusy flavor of the blood orange and balanced with the soothing taste of mint. Wow.

The lamb was also perfectly cooked. I felt like such a bad ass when I ordered it because when Daniel asked how I wanted my meat cooked and I said medium rare, he replied “The chef would love you.” SIGH. That is my dream. I want to befriend a chef and have someone to get all food nerdy with. But I digress…

Anyway, if you happen to find yourself in the SB area anytime soon, make a reservation here. Bouchon should not be missed. Do your mouth a favor.

Click here for Bouchon Santa Barbara!

The Problem with Vegans

Ok, so my two weeks are almost up. On Sunday I will celebrate my 2 week detox with a cold beer and a grilled cheese sandwich. Anyway, in these two weeks of eating like a rabbit, I have learned a couple things about vegans and why no body likes them.

First thing is that you are always cold. I think its because you’re not ingesting enough fat, although I have my reserves! ;) Anyway, since vegans are always cold, it makes sense why they wear weird hats all the time. They're fabsolutely freezing! And since they can not experiment with food, they have to get their cheap thrills by wearing weird hats.

Second thing is that no one would choose to be vegan if it didn’t make them lose weight. Seriously, vegans are not super ethical people, they are super into being skinny. Ask a vegan this: If the vegan diet for some weird reason made you really healthy and clean inside and out, but also made you put on 10 lbs, would you do it? Guarantee you wouldn’t find ANYONE who would. Vegan is a posh word celebrities use for anorexia, which all leads to my next point.

Vegans want to eat like normal people. Seriously. Open any vegan cookbook and its all a mash of fruits and nuts to assimilate normal food. Its all faux lasagna and faux carne asada burritos. They don’t have their own menu. Its no joke. The weirdest thing I found was vegan cheesecake. That just proves to me that these poor vegans are craving good shit and are mashing food together to trick themselves into thinking that vegan eats are good. It breaks my heart.

And on the flip side, I did enjoy this diet. I do feel lighter and clean and I lost about 5lbs. Problem is, its incredibly boring. Its very repetitive and not very exciting. Sure I’ve only been doing it for 2 weeks, so by no means am I an expert, but sheesh, I am SICK TO DEATH of the food. I don't want anymore tofu or Asian or Indian food. I just want some variety and most importantly, I want cheese. I could care less about pork, chicken, or beef. I just want something warm and smothered in cheese. I think I could easily be a vegetarian, but there's no way I’m giving up dairy. Actually, there’s no way I’m giving up meat either. What's a holiday without meat?

So to cap it all off, I will continue to juice every morning, and I will eat less dairy and less meat, but I'm not taking it out of my diet. So do not fret, the blog will still feature lots of fatty foods and gluttony. Till then, happy eating!

Sweet, Sweet Nectar.

Ya gotta love the Farmers Market. I can always find something new, something crazy, or something special. This last trip to the FM I discovered the best little treat: the pineapple guava. Holy shit that’s good eats! Its like nectar of the gods. They look like mini blue avocados but they smell like heaven. I don’t think I even have the words to properly describe how they smell. I would love to bottle up the scent and splash it all over my body. It smells floral, and sweet, and super tropical.

The taste is pretty hard to describe as well. It tastes like pineapple, cherimoya (custard apple), and guava. The skin is thin but a bit bitter so I advise not to eat the skin. I sliced it in half, like an avocado, and scooped out the middle with a spoon. They're awesome because unlike typical guavas, there are no seeds! Its just all fruit. The fruit has a creamy consistency like a cherimoya and is really tropical tasting. I cant stress enough how freakin tropical it tastes! Its like biting into Hawaii! I'm not sure how to make a meal out of these yet. I'm just eating them raw at the moment. But I'm sure a sorbet out of these would be amazing. Anyway, has anyone else tasted these?? Write me a comment.

New Years Resolutions

Well, another year has passed us by! It definitely feels weird to write 2010. I feel like I should be wearing an all silver spacesuit-dress thingy. Anyway, with the joy of the new year comes the joy of being totally obsessed with yourself and making a self righteous New Years Resolution. I have two this year. The first being to learn Spanish a LITTLE bit more. I like claiming “a little bit more” that way I can’t fail. I can learn one new Spanish word and I already accomplished the goal. Nice and lazy!

And for my second resolution, I decided to detox for two weeks. Its not really a detox at all, its just me being on a semi diet for two weeks but claiming it as a detox to make me sound posh. Fun,right? Anyway, this so called detox is one I made up on my own, so there is no scientific rhyme or reason to anything but in my mind, it is amazing. For the first week I am going vegetarian or eating fish, tons of fresh veggies and fruit, and every morning and night I will make a fresh squeezed juice. Yup…I’m juicing. I pulled out the old juicer and went to town. I'm also not going to eat dairy and TRY to not eat any gluten. I love this diet because I'm still eating a ton of food but I get to be all pious and act healthy. I’m going to start claiming shit like, “I wouldn’t eat a cookie if you paid me! My pallet is so clean that apples taste like candy to me.” Or stuff like, “Are you really going to eat that? Do you know how toxic that is for your body?” Ya, its gonna be fun.

So here is a sample of what I have eaten so far. Yesterday I had two soft boiled eggs and a piece of rye toast and coffee. For lunch I made a juice of carrot, celery and kale which isn't as gross as it sounds. It was a bit chunky but after you got over the texture it tasted fresh and clean. And for dinner I had lemon and thyme poached salmon, broiled squash, fresh tomato and quinoa. For dessert I made a smoothie with avocado, banana, apples, fennel, blueberries, lemon and agave nectar. It tasted mostly of blueberries and banana. The fennel was a nice touch because its a super detoxifier and it gave it a slight liquorice twist.

Today, I started off with two soft boiled eggs and carrot apple juice. Carrot and apple juice was a little too sweet for me in the morning but it was still good. For lunch, I'm eating applesauce and a salad of the poached salmon with capers, lemon, tomato and feta. Its delightful. I feel really fresh and I'm still eating a lot. So far, this detox I invented is great. And I LOVE juicing. I can taste the nutrients. I'm slowly turning into Jay "The Juice Man" Kordich. As long as I don't get his eyebrows, I’m happy with this 2 week diet.