Top Chef: Volume 3

Ok... I'm gonna make this quick. I'm not in the mood to type all that much, and my hands hurt from cutting hair. So can we all agree that this season is just WEIRD? So many twists and I never know who will get cut next. Also the contestants are very strange this season. I go back and forth on hating them. But one person is constant....I REALLY do not like the Hedge Hog.

So the guest judge is Charlie Palmer. The dude looks like a pedophile and also like the butler form the Simpsons that always says, "Yesssss."

He is famous for popularizing American cuisine and he worked with both of the Vagina Brothers (the Voltaggio's.) I didn't think it was fair. By the way, is it me or are the brothers' eyes getting smaller and more rat like?

So the quickfire challenge is pretty lame. They have to do a food pairing with potato chips. Nothing about this excites me. I call that challenge: lunch. Anyway, ugly Eli wins it because he is fat and gorges on chips while smoking pot in his mother's basement. Ya, he lives with his parents. And he was trying to pawn it off like its this kitchy off beat lifestyle he CHOOSES to adhere to. Sure pig, sure. He makes Potato Clam Salad with Fennel, Celery, and White Truffle Sauce and pairs it with the onion potato chips. It looked good....for once.

So the main challenge seemed like something I could get behind. They have to cook for Pigs and Pinot an event dedicated to eating pig and drinking pinot. WHO HAS BEEN READING MY DIARY? Why wasn't I invited? Anyway, they all got to choose their pinot and build a dish around it. Then they drew knives to see what cut of pork they had to cook. Its so serendipitous because I cooked pork tenderloin yesterday in a chardonnay and applebutter reduction. Seriously, who is following me around?

So it seemed like everyone did a great job. There was porkiness everywhere and everything looked really good, despite them serving their dishes on clear plastic plates and serving wine in plastic tumblers. Anywhoo, the winner was Kevin again! He made Pork Leg Pate and paired it with the 2006 Sokol Blosser Dundee Hills, Pinot Noir. His looked gross, but I love pate and I bet it was delicious. He also had chopped chestnuts on top which was genius. Like I said before, Kevin has this in the bag! I want to start a fantasy football team but with Top Chef. I'm great at guessing who will win... and I need the money.

So the losers are Lauraine, Robin and Ash. Lauraine made a pork butt Rillettes. The judges said hers tasted the worst and it was like cat food. She should have been sent home...but wasn't. Robin made a Brined Center Cut Pork Chop and the complaint was that she didn't have enough meat on the plate. And Ash made a Chilled Pork Tenderloin with corn and I think olives. He also embarrassed himself again by saying the Hedge Hog was a master chef and he second guessed what he was going to make and the event. Needless to say, he went home. It was time.

So I feel a little weird because I kinda like Robin now. Everyone was totally ganging up on her and my inner ghetto/savior was like "Nuh Uh! Oh nooo you didn't!" Everyone was being so mean to her at the house especially the little hog Eli. He was yelling at her for no reason. He took the cutting board she JUST cleaned and was about to use. After she told him that, he went off and started yelling that she wasn't his mom as he descended the stairs. It was very comical because in that situation, she did look like his mom. And he seemed like an immature, ungrateful, ugly child stomping down the stairs to his lair of stink, porno, and heavy metal music. She just responds with, "Thank god I'm not your mother." And she truly believes this with every fiber of her being. Go Robin.

What was also weird was that Mike Isabella wasn't totally disgusting this episode. He kinda shut up and stopped being an asshole. He made fun of himself a bit and had a good looking lebanese meatball dish. He also looks like my bartender G Spot, so maybe that has something to do with it. Anyway, great show. Can't wait for next episode when its Restaurant Wars. Sweet.

Top Chef Night 2

Wow. As you can tell, I've been avoiding writing this entry. TC aired on Wednesday. It's Friday now. It's time to get it all off my chest. I just have to say that I thought this whole episode was really weird. I, of course, HATED the ending. I also thought the quickfire challenge was really rushed and I don't know....it all didn't feel right. The whole thing gave me a weird vibe. Ash was acting like a slave, Robin and Mike were team members, the Hedge Hog RUINED Ashley's life! It was all very unsettling. Let me explain:

So I don't know whose idea it was, but Tyler Florence was the guest judge. I have nothing against Tyler Florence. In fact, I think he seems like a pretty nice guy who is reasonable good looking, although constantly bloated. However, they have had Hubert Keller, Eric Ripert, and Wylie Dufresne all who have Michelin stars! Is Tyler Florence REALLY at that level....I think not. But if I ever see Rachel Ray's little pug face on my Top Chef, I'm gonna go ape shit. I have beef with that woman.

Ok, so the quickfire challenge goes like this. There is a big slot machine with adjectives and nationalities. Everyone cranks the slot thingy and gets three words that they have to build a plate around and Tyler Florence decides who wins. Excellent idea for a challenge.

Ash got: tired, tart, Italian. He made a puttanesca sauce which I found clever because a tart is a whore. So good one, Ash! It looked good but very straightforward. C'mon now, I make puttanesca every now and then! Show me you are better than me!

Ashley got: blue, cheesy, middle eastern. Honestly, I think she had the hardest. First off, no food is blue, secondly middle eastern food isn't cheesy! She banged it out by making Sumac Crusted halibut with feta foam. It looked soo good; like a delight! I fell in love even more. *sigh

Bryan (the robot) got: adventurous, crispy, Asian. He's so lame. He doesn't know what adventure is. His snooze fest of a meal was seared scallops with bok choy and tempura beads. Waa Waaaaaa. Seriously, wake up kiddo! It looks fine and all, but make something EXCITING for once. I know you want to be Mr. Straight and Narrow in comparison to your "wild child" brother, but sheesh! Live a little.

Eli the Hedge Hog got: stressed, umami, Latin. This is a VERY cool mix. He could have done SO much. Personally, I would have done a smoky chile verde with tons of cumin for that umami flavor. He does shitaki mushroom ceviche with avocados. Can you imagine how gross that is?? I bet it just tastes like musk.

Jennifer got: adventurous, nutty, American. I would hate that mix of words, but oh well. Maybe I would make a pistachio pesto with manchego instead of Parmesan? Anyway, she made diver scallops with pistachios and caviar on top. She got in trouble because they didn't think she made anything adventurous, and I agree.

Kevin got: stressed, spicy, Asian. He made pork with daikon and a Vietnamese salad. Everyone was impressed because he nailed Asian flavors and he does not cook with them. His dish was also a real pretty color and looked very good.

Lauraine got: tart, romantic, Latin. I would have made a key lime pie ( Miami, hello Latin!) and made a truffle with dark chocolate and chili peppers to go on top. Rad, right? She made a salad with goat cheese and a pomegranate dressing. Oh, has someone been reading my blog for recipes?? I think SO!

Mike Isabella got: stressed, umami, asian. He made raw sliced mushrooms with an yuzu emulsion. His looked gross too. And jeeze people! Umami doesn't mean MUSHROOM! And why is everyone this season so obsessed with yuzu? I've had it. Its not that great!

Mike-the-Devil-may-care got: adventurous, tangy, Asian. That sounds like a personal ad to me...but I digress. He made an yuzu curd with raspberries, Greek yogurt, and a seaweed cracker. It really looked amazing. He is adventurous. I will give him that!

Robin was wearing a TERRIBLE shade of lipstick. I decided the name for that color of lipstick is Lusty Prune. Seriously, the WORST color. Anyway, she got: stressed, umami, middle eastern. She made a veggie hash with cumin and curry oil. Curry isn't really middle eastern. Woman: why are you here? Who did you have sex with to make it on the show?

Anyway, every one's dish looked pretty good! I think this is the best they have ever done. All of them looked restaurant ready besides the Hedge Hogs. Seriously, his made me want to puke. I imagine the taste of avocado and mushroom is like eating spoiled guacamole. Anyway, Kevin won again. His looked great, like I said earlier. I'm pretty sure he's gonna take it. Go red heads.

So the contestants' next big challenge is that they have to prepare a family style dish in teams of two at their house. The must make a meal in honor of a famous chef's cooking style with ingredients the chef has picked out for them. Tyler Florence is the guest judge...again.

So Bryan and Lauraine (who are so boring it makes me feel like I'm in a coma) get paired up. They make a meal inspired by Tyler Florence. It looked good but it wasn't impressive at all. It was Halibut and Sherry-Chorizo Viniagrette Yellow Corn Cake with Avocado Mousse. I'm sure it tasted great, but once again, IMAGINATION!

Kevin and Jennifer are paired up together and their chef was Tom Douglas. I think they were an extremely strong team. They are both excellent chefs, especially when Jennifer isn't hungover. They made Kobe Beef with Tomato-Cardomon Broth, Petit Bok Choy and Asian Pear. They clearly should have won. Everyone was raving about how amazing that broth was. Cardomon is one of my favorite seasonings...so Russian! I bet it was a flavor explosion. Jennifer wins because her broth is so amazing. I wish I could have tried it. It sound so good. I bet it would make a good addition inside a vodka martinni too!

Mike and Robbin were teamed up and had Takashi Yagihashi. This was just hilarious to watch. Robbin seems SO annoying. She was driving him nuts! It was great because he couldn't boss her around because he doesn't know Asian food at all and she claims she does. It was just a car wreck. Robbin is burning food right and left, Mike is all deflated and bruised because he doesn't have any ideas! Comedy. They ended up making marinated Mushroom and Pickled Pear Roll, Seared Tuna and Scallop, Truffle Ponzu. It was kind of a mess.

Michael and Ash were really weird to watch. All of the sudden Ash develops this super man crush on Michael and decides to lick his butt clean and do whatever he says. It was like Stockholm Syndrome. The chef they got was Nancy Silverton. Ash didn't contribute anything. He just sat back while Michael's meth-induced rant came out with some civilized ideas. They made Pancetta Wrapped Halibut with Egg Yolk Ravioli, Fennel and Asparagus. I guess they wanted it to be like a carbonera. It seemed really good. Problem was they didn't get a good sear on the fish because they were cooking on these weird electric woks instead of the kitchen like normal people.

Lastly and sadly, handsome Ashley was paired with the evil Hedge Hog and their chef was Govind Armstrong. They made Grilled Spot Prawns with Red Beet sauce, Creme Fraiche Gnocchi and Kale. It all seemed like it would have been delicious! Eli really wanted Ashley to make her gnocchi. And she did. However, when her back was turned, Eli over salted them and then deep fried them instead of sauteing them. Seriously, Colonel Sanders uses less oil to make chicken. He ended up ruining the gnocchi, and Ashely didn't cook the prawns enough because she was worried about overcooking them. So Hedgehog threw her under the bus and she was sent home. I'm so so so sad. I never thought she would win, but I thought top 4 for sure! She was sent home before her time. How can Robbin still be there and not my lovely Ashley? Sometimes the galaxy doesn't make sense.