The Ides of March

So its Thursday, and I guess that means I need to check in with my community here and talk about all the things I have (not) accomplished.

I had my first personal training session yesterday. I'm crazy sore. Also, I almost threw up. I had the brilliant idea of going out with a bang so I drank the night before, ate hot wings and tater skins, smoked 3 cigarettes and had 5 hours of sleep. Let me tell you.....TERRIBLE IDEA. At one point I had to stop exercising, excuse myself to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face, then stand outside for about 10 minutes so I wouldn't hurl. Can you say GLAMOUR GIRL? My trainer said I was pale and green. Not good signs. He is also having me eat every 2.5 hours and I thought that it sounded like a grand idea, but its NOT! It's actually making me feel nauseous. It's just too much food. I feel like I'm constantly digesting food which is a gross feeling. I'm so bloated and I hate it. I prefer my diet that consists of not eating all day, then binging on pizza or a paninni at 3pm, then drinking all night and eating a Lunchable with a bag of Flammin' Hot Cheetos. As I am writing this, I am force feeding myself a yogurt. Bleh.

So I'm not sure if I excelled or failed miserably at the challenge of not being stupid with boys. I met this guy (lets call him The Professor) and we hit it off immediately. We went to a microbrewery on our first date and it was super fun. We had a ton in common and I just genuinely liked his personality, kinda a hipster-nerd thing going on. After our first date, he had plans to go to Europe for 2 weeks. Kinda sucked cause I wanted to see him again. Anyways, after his trip he contacted me and planned our second date. On the second date he took me out for burgers and scotch at a really nice restaurant in town. He also brought me back a scarf from his travels which I thought was super sweet! Second date went really well and I invited him back to my apartment to hang out. I was surprised that he didn't try any 'funny business' and was actually impressed that he was trying to get to know me rather than stick his hands in my g-bang. Two days after that date, he called me and invited me out for breakfast. I went and we had another fun time! He also went with me to Target and helped me pick out toys for my nieces and nephew. He also told me that he bought us tickets to go to a concert together in May. Obviously he MUST like me, right?? He was planning future dates and shit. So why was there NEVER a kiss?? I'm 29 and he is 30, the jig is up. I understand not kissing on the first date but on the 3rd? Shit is getting weird. So all this is making me feel slightly weird but I'm pushing it into the back of my head. Then we had our 4th date Tuesday night. I purposely wore a low cut shirt to see if he was gay or not and I didn't even catch him checking out my boobs! Very peculiar. Also, on all 4 dates he never once complimented me on my looks, just my personality. Our last date ended well again, and he made plans to spend St. Patty's Day with me but once again, no kiss.

I went to work and told the girls the strange dating habits of The Professor and then things got weird. We decided, as a group, to FaceBook stalk the shit out of him for clues to try and decipher his weird asexual ways. I was convinced he was gay, S was convinced he had a wife, and Y thought he was just being a gentlemen. So through the majesty of social media, we concluded that he indeed has a girlfriend who now lives in Russia. Also that little trip to Europe of his, ya, he was visiting her. And there were pics of them together frolicking in the snow talking about how they love each other and love watching each other sleep (??). Also, the Russkie looks EXACTLY like me but 20 lbs heavier. Honestly. She is my little rotund doppelganger. We look so similar that I was taking pictures of her on my phone to send my girlfriend.

Now I'll get to the good part. Through a serious of very strange and unfortunate events, I end up sending The Professor a thumbnail image of HIS girlfriend to HIM! Right. So awkward. I can actually FEEL the bile rise in my throat. The thing is, it was a very small thumbnail and it was somehow in the bottom right corner of another photo that I sent him. I'm not sure if he even saw it. Also, he could possibly think its me, cause its that small and she is my damn twin and all. My own sister thought it was a picture of me! Anyways, now I feel super awkward and I don't want to see him ever again. I know he is going to ask me tomorrow is we are still on for the weekend. This will be my reply:

No actually. I liked you and had a lot of fun with you. I feel like you have feelings for someone else and I think it's a little dishonest and unfair to me. Good luck and take care.

So one part of me feels like I'm being smart. But the other part of me is kicking my own ass for stalking someone, and then sending him photos of evidence. Ya. Its a toss up here. Anyone out there ever get caught fucking up with technology?? The damn kids with their Walkmans, and their FaceSpace and the Google! Comment below. I need to hear it!

I'm With Stupid

So I'm taking Pish Posh Blog up on her Thursday Get Fit Challenge thingy. Basically the deal is that I'm supposed to make a goal and write about it every Thursday. My goal is to stop being stupid. Seriously, that's my goal.

I am so stupid in so many ways.

The first way I'm stupid is I let the little things get me. For instance, I'm pissed off right now. My crazy ass alcoholic of a neighbor actually had the nerve to ask me to not slam the laundry room door. Yes I did slam it. The wind caught the door and I ended up slamming it on accident. I never do that and I never even use the laundry room. I usually have some lady named Lourdes do my laundry. I would understand confronting me if this was a normal behavior of mine, running around slamming laundry room doors. But it's not!!! Anyways, this is all coming from the alcoholic who is CONSTANTLY fighting and screaming with her live-in boyfriend.

The second way I'm stupid is I am quite literally stupid. Honestly, there are so many simple things that I suck at. Simple things like reading time, 5th grade math, and world capitals. You think I would have sat down at one point and educated myself. I do have the internet an all. But I don't. I watch re-runs and I eat Flammin' Hot Cheetos. The thing that is bothering me most of all is that I have a desire to learn Spanish since BOTH my parents are fluent. My dad even bought me Rosetta Stone. I only try to do the program after consuming a gallon of wine and end up falling asleep with the ear phones on. If I was a smart person, I would actually study and follow the program and find some handsome Spaniard to take me out to dinner and practice my conversational Spanish with.

The third way I'm stupid is with boys. If you have read my blog at all, you would know this. I've been running around like an 8th grade girl. I have been boy crazy and I don't like it. I'm gonna cut that out. And I just behave like a weirdo in general. If I like a boy I insist on paying on a date, and if I don't like him, I let him treat me. Shouldn't I do the opposite??? I also make up tons of excuses for their weird behaviors, then end up dating grown babies, train them and they usually break up with me and find someone else to be with now that they are all fixed. Need an example? Read A Conversation With An Ex Boyfriend.

The last way I'm stupid is with my health. I eat like shit, drink too much, sleep too little, and never exercise. 'Nuff said. So to combat being fat and stupid, I hired a personal trainer. He works at the same gym my ex boyfriend works at so I might remain stupid. However, it is literally the only gym in town.

Anyways, how do I work against all this stupid? Any suggestions?? Comment away!

I Need a Man Like A Pie Crust

Flaky, warm and tender. Sounds like an ok man to me.

Last night something weird happened.

As I stumbled home from happy hour I decided to check my emails. I found one that was so rude and annoying that I wrote back a snarky retort (still funny this morning without the help of alcohol). As I lay in bed grimacing while drifting off into sleep, I had a moment where I HILARIOUSLY compared men to pie crusts and then thought I must remember this and blog about it tomorrow.

For the life of me, I can not remember what the analogy was. All I remember is that it was brilliant and actually made me laugh out loud.

Now let me explain to you this annoying email and why I had pie crust induced profound wisdom. Things are going to get weird. You are about to delve into the dark recesses of my mind and actually see what its like when I'm trying to be "flirty."

A couple of days ago I did what I never thought I would do. I blame half of this on my sister for saying that she thought I would 'have fun' and I blame the rest on commercials. I joined Match.com. It wasn't pretty. I filled out the info and uploaded some lame pic of me playing with my hair and another one of me drinking four margaritas at once (I wanted some truth in the profile).

One question asked was name your favorite book where I wrote: I read all the time. I don't have a favorite book.

And this is true. I do read all the time. I just finished reading some Vonnegut, have a fantasy novel at work, and reading a sci fi novel of my dads at night. I never claimed that I read great books, but seriously, I do read.

Under the tab of "what I'm looking for" I actually wrote this:

Its all quite simple with me. I'm looking for someone who is easy to get along with that makes me laugh. You must be the creative type and be ok with acting silly and goofy from time to time. I don't take myself too seriously, and you shouldn't either. You also should be an adventurous eater since I love to cook and I love trying new restaurants in town. I want to add that I like nice people! And I want a smart and funny guy with a bit of a snarky side. I want him to know the difference between there, their, and they're and text me correctly.

Short and simple, and I agree with my list of wants. However, there is a fine line between being snarky and being an asshole. You have to have finesse to be snarky. I am Snarky, Tim of Let Me Think For You is snarky, Pish of PishPoshBlog is snarky. None of us are assholes (intentionally anyways).

So this dude writes me this email:

Hey, I would like to introduce myself and just say I'll probably be one of the funniest most entertaining people you'll ever meet, not sure about snarky, but funny.....Anyways, I really doubt you "read all the time" so how about you tell me something truthful about yourself?

First off, he didn't introduce himself, so he is stupid. Secondly, SO MANY grammatical errors! Third, he had an annoying profile about how he only meets "crazy girls" who have tons of cats. And lastly, don't call me a liar, asshole.

So here is my response:

If you have to introduce yourself as funny, you usually are not. I would love to get together sometime. Unfortunately, I wont be able to since I have a hoard of cats and a stack of Cliff Notes to get to so I seem well read.

Toodle-Lou!

G

This is where I decided that Match.com is NOT for me. I judge everyone. Everyone on it looks suspicious and very lonely. And if those profile pics are the BEST images people can find of themselves, then SB is not doing so well in the looks department. I have officially erased my page.

Also, just announcing here that I seriously don't care to date anymore. The initially rush of running around trying to find someone cute and cool has really died down for me. I don't care anymore. I have good girlfriends. I can go out any night of the week and have fun. I'm taking salsa classes, line dancing and possibly a painting class. I'm good.

However, I do have a date tonight. But I can't blog about him yet. He's been too normal. ;)

A Conversation With An Ex Boyfriend

Original Party Foul.

Well congratu-fuckin-lations. You have managed to accomplish EVERYTHING I've asked you to do over the last TWO YEARS in 3 months. You've moved out of your parents home and into your own apartment in Carp, you are now taking you job and career more seriously, and now you are going out, being social and having fun. Well I'm so happy you decided to do it now as opposed to any other fucking time that we were together.

What's that you say? You have a new girlfriend? She sounds like a real peach. Of course I would have been a peach too if say, you did any of the above mentioned things when we were together. I'm so glad she "gets you" and that she doesn't "stress you." I wouldn't have been a nagging bitch either if you lived on your own, paid for ANYTHING, and were generally a fun person to be around. Funny how when you start to act like an adult and take care of your shit that the women around you act so fucking pleasant. Well have fun with Charlotte (the cool laid back girl who doesn't nag you because now you're so fucking responsible). Just for kicks, why don't you revert to your old self and see how cool Charlotte is in about one month? I do love science experiments.

Great talking with you!

Comfort Food

Pies filled with meat and memories

I like to cook. Its fun to be in the kitchen and have everyone around laughing, sampling things, fighting, then drinking wine. Its kinda how my family works. Its a lot of hanging out, mixed with a dash of tears, and then smothered with compliments and talk of how cool our family is especially in comparison to others.

Yesterday was kinda a hard day. It was the last day spent in my family's old house. 21 years of laughing, crying, blowing out birthday candles all packed up and put in the back of my father's truck, or worse, the trash. It was so spooky to do the final walk through and see every room so hollow. I remember sharing one room with my sister, the first time I got my own room, the first time Nan's got her own room, the first Christmas with my niece, the day my grandma died. It was all there under that one roof. And there was my father, winded from packing, his gray hair damp with sweat, looking old for the first time.

I've never liked changed. It always bothers me. I'm not someone who adjusts quickly. As I helped my dad get the last bits into the back of his '74 Chevy pickup (primer gray for the last 12 years) I couldn't help feeling nostalgic and melancholy. I know our family will continue to celebrate, tease each other, and make new memories, but I just can't associate a home with it yet. I guess a home can be anywhere you gather with your family and eat yummy food. Reminds me of the first Christmas we spent in Carpinteria.

We moved to Carpinteria because of my fathers new job. His work put our family up in an apartment until we found a house to live in. It was small and cramped especially with seven people. That year I was sick with bronchitis and didn't get to perform in the school Christmas Pageant. We were supposed to sing "Its a Small World" and dress in different traditional outfits from around the world. My mom made me the best traditional Russian dress complete with a flower and ribbon wreath for my hair. I was beyond upset that I missed it. And to make matters worse, we didn't get a Christmas tree that year. I remember crying on the couch wrapped up in a blanket and complaining to my mom. She literally got a bare tree branch from outside, put it in a vase and hung Christmas ornaments on it for me. She also made me a huge bowl of Galushki soup. I had a good Christmas that year.

Before I left my family's house for the last time, I invited my father over for a meal before he hit the road. In effort to supply that same kind of feeling of family and home, I decided to make empanadas. I made everything from scratch. The dough was my mom's recipe and the filling was what my family calls T Gina chicken after my "Tia Gina" on my dad's side. It took close to four hours to make. The empanadas didn't taste like my moms but they were still good. I was sad that my dad wasn't able to come by and try them but I know he would have thought they were great. I will make them again and bring them to him. I will also make a plate for my brother, his wife, and their three children. His kids need to know what empanadas are. Its practically in our DNA.

Home is where your family is. Family is a compilation of traditions. Traditions are food. Enjoy them all while you're able.

Back to Food

I'm gonna eat you.

So I'm kinda in the mood to cook tonight! Hopefully I don't get out to late from work and have to eat ramen again...or worse, Taco Bell. Ya, I'm classy like that.

My idea stemmed from the yummy pasta at Trader Joes. Its a lemon and black pepper paparadelle. Its sooo yummy just on its own with butter! So I want to cook that and then make a butter and chardonnay sauce with seafood. I have a pack of the Trader Joes frozen seafood mix which is scallops, shrimp and calamari rings. I will saute the seafood in butter and olive oil with a bit of garlic and shallots. I'll de-glaze the pan with Summerland Winery Chardonnay and then add fresh parsley and lemon. Should be simple and really good. I'll take a pic of it later on today and post it. Of course I'll have a glass of the chardonnay and yell at the tv all night. I can't wait.

Speaking of tv, what should I be watching? My usual's are 30 Rock, Sex and the City, Always Sunny, Real Housewives of anywhere, and sadly, The Bachelor. I'm thinking I'm really going to love Downtown Abbey so that is in the que. Also, I need recommendations for movies too! How should I rot my brain? Leave a comment with a suggestion.

The Honest Truth

Man: I just want to be friends.

Woman: Me too. I don't care about you at all. Don't leave me. I love you.

So lately (as in three days) I decided to not go out so much. Clearly I have been meeting freaks and a little bit of a break wont hurt. So maybe I'll give up drinking and talking to boys for lent?

Doubt it.

Due to me being home more, I started watching re-runs of Sex and the City. Its been cracking me up because I feel TOTALLY different about the show now. I first watched the show at the end of high school/beginning of college. I thought Carrie was so cool and that Mr.Big was so smooth and awesome and that it was such a romantic and tortured relationship. Now that I live on my own, am months away from having a 3 in front of my age as opposed to a one or a two, I feel so different.

Carrie is a fucking nut job. Seriously. A total weirdo. She has a normal relationship with Big until her desperation/neediness makes him hate her. Perfect example: when she goes bananas at Big for not wanting to introduce her to his mom after 3 months of dating!!! Its like WHOA there Carrie, slow it down. Big is super nice to her about it, offers to take her on vacation and talk about it as much as she likes, and she freaks out and stands him up only to stalk him for the next 10 episodes. This is why men think women are crazy. This is why I think women are crazy! It's not normal to act that way. Communication is kinda a big deal in relationships and I'm starting to believe that women are the biggest liars. We try to act all cool and nonchalant and like "I'm totally ok with this going nowhere" only to freak out and stalk the guy. People end up with all this drama and heart break because they are not straight forward in the beginning. We think the way to winning someone over is with mind trickery and games. I am so honest it is shameful. I am so honest that I have NO game. Whatever is on my mind, I blurt out. But I rather be like that then have all this run around.

Example: There was a cute FedEx guy that delivered my hair extensions to the salon. About 6 months ago, he asked me out. I had a bf at the time and had to turn him down. A couple weeks ago, he made a delivery and we starting talking. He was fun and kinda interesting. A few days later I emailed him to tell him I was single and that he could ask me out again. He turned me down since now he has a gf. Was it embarrassing? YES. Did I seem smooth? NO way. Did my girl friends make fun of me for being that forthright? Absolutely. But see, now I know where we stand and I don't have to go out of my way trying to flirt with him and wondering about him and all sorts of stupid shit that would waste my time. Its still embarrassing every time he walks in the salon, but whatever, at least I know.