Top Chef Night

Ok so tonight was a Top Chef Night. I'm not even gonna talk about what I ate because NOTHING is more important then TC. Ok so here is the recap/my thoughts on the whole thing.

Let me just start off by saying I HATE HATE HATE Mike Isabella. Mike: what is your deal? You are not a bad ass. You are a total frado.*
*frado - an ugly guy who thinks he's good-looking
sentence: "Bill thinks all the girls love him, but they all know he's a frado."

Ok so it starts off with the Quickfire challenge and the judge is a Tracy Gold look-a-like named Michelle Bernstein. The contestants have to make a dish which represent their angel side and their devil side. In my opinion, NO ONE did a good job. They just made whatever they felt like and had a convoluted story as to why that represented devil or angel. It was all very lame. For example, Eli, the one who looks half man and half hedge hog, made a scallop with radish and greens for angel side and a scallop with risotto and butter for his devil side. WTF? You just were hungry for scallops. That has nothing to do with devils or angels.

The two dishes that were worthy of note were my girlfriend Ashley's dish (YAY ASHLEY!) and Brian's dish. Ashley was really focused this week. I'm so proud of her. Her dish looked good and actually made sense. For her angel side she had scallop crudo and for her devil side she made seared scallop on a bed of puttanesca sauce. Raw scallop to be a light, airy angel, and whore sauce for the devil. Good job. Brian Voltaggio (the one that looks like an Abercrombie robot) made a dish that was very pretty but apparently tasted like shit. He is too boring to listen to, so I'm not even sure what was in it. One side was a pure white sorbet and the other side was a pitch black chocolate thang. I would hang it on a wall, but that's about it.

So the real kicker is that Robin, the old lady, total wins the quickfire challenge cause she talks about how she had cancer. Cancer is the new celebrity. You mention it anywhere and you get the royal treatment. She makes an apple crisp and an apple/fennel salad for her dish and apparently its amazing in its simplicity. If I can make it, it shouldn't win....just sayin! Anyway, this makes me happy inside because Mike Isabella cant stand her. So anything that pisses him off is good in my book. Robin is weird, Ill give him that, but I still hate him more. Robin reminds me of a weird hybrid of Amy Sedaris from Strangers with Candy, mixed in with a lesbo P.E. teacher who speaks openly about her menses. Creepy.

Anyway, after all that nonsense, Penn and Teller come on the show and do a magic trick. They then slow it down and show us how they performed the magic trick (which was more confusing then the trick) and announced that the contestants had to deconstruct popular dishes for the next challenge. Pretty cool idea.

So Ash, who looks like the comedian Jim Gaffigan, had to deconstruct Shepard's pie. It looked like shit. He under cooked his meat and used peas instead of potatoes and had some weird stuffed tomato. It just didn't make sense.

Ashley (yay Ashley!) made an amazing deconstructed pot roast out of seared strip loin, potato puree, crispy shallots, and carrot form. She is really nobel. She never talks shit and whenever she talks about how poor she was growing up, I just want to hold her. Sigh! Needless to say, she was in the winners circle tonight, and almost won!

Bryan (aka Abercrombie robot) made deconstructed tuna pastrami reuben, warm mayo, shallots, rye, Gruyere cheese, with fried capers. Honestly, HOW DOES THAT TASTE LIKE A REUBEN?? Wheres the cabbage?? How the f does cornbeef taste like tuna? I would have sent his ass home.




Eli, the hedge hog, made a deconstructed sweet and sour pork. He made tempura pork roulette, broccoli puree, sweet and sour sauce, broccoli salad. All the judges liked it. It looked really gross though.....and I don't like him.








Jennifer, the stepford wife, made a fake lasagna out of flat iron steak, mascarpone bechemel, tomato sauce and parmesan crisp. It looked really good and apparently the judges liked it as well.





Kevin, who looks like Santa Claus mated with a red head Cupiee doll, made the best dish, and the winning dish. He made a mole negra out of chicken, Mexican coffee, chili flake, pumpkin and fig jam. He had me at fig jam. I bet it was amazing. All the judges paid him very high compliments and were shocked at how good it was. Impressive naughty Santa!

Lauraine, the caterer with a soccer mom hair cut, was lame. She isn't even worth blogging about. She made some soggy ass fake fish and chips. Really Lauraine?? You got the EASY dish and you still fucked it up?? I think that caterers shouldn't be allowed on the show. I have no respect for caterers. Caterers are stay at home moms who are bored with a decent peanut butter pie recipe. Just run the booster clubs bake sale and stay home.

Robin coasted on her easy win during the quickfire challenge and made a pretty dish but I bet it tasted like crap. She was supposed to make clam chowder but made some fried clams and a flan out of cream and celery which looked like condensed Campbell's soup. Gross.

Ron, the voodoo king, just made paella. He was supposed to deconstruct it...but he didn't. All was lost in translation. Needless to say, he went home. Later on, the judges had food poisoning due to his voodoo magic skills. Just kidding. Heheheee!

Well the last two d-bags to write about are the two Michaels. I hate both...I really do. Mike Isabella, who jumps back and forth between claiming he's from Jersey and Greece, made a real shitty dish. Apparently he doesn't know what eggs Florentine is! Instead of talking about how awesome of a chef you are and getting lame little star tattoos, why don't you actually read a cookbook???! That way, you might actually be able to back up your mouth that you are ALWAYS running. Pretty much he made spanakopita with a poached egg. Whatever.

Which leaves me with Michael Voltaggio. Oh Michael V....where do i begin? You like to think of yourself as the "bad boy of Top Chef" don't you? With your pierced ears, tattooed arms, and "devil may care" attitude. Too bad you look like a drug addicted, pervert, surfer from 1992. Ya....get a new hair do and stop puttin your hat on backwards like a dad. You can cook...Ill give you that. But you need to settle down on being the sexy bad ass. Television already has a sexy bad ass and his name is Tony Bourdain thank you very much! Followed closely up by Adam Richmond from Man vs. Food. So we don't need anymore food related man whores. Anyway, he had to make a deconstructed ceaser salad and I guess he did a good job. He had a brioche toast, chicken wing, romaine leaf, and a blob of gelled salad dressing that you had to break open like an egg yolk. Pretty cool...but already done before.

All in all, a great Top Chef Night! I'm super glad that Ashley kicked ass and that Ron got booted off. Now we just need to get rid of Lauraine and Mike Isabella!!!!

Whew! I'm glad I got that all off my chest before going to bed.