Top Chef: Volume 3

Ok... I'm gonna make this quick. I'm not in the mood to type all that much, and my hands hurt from cutting hair. So can we all agree that this season is just WEIRD? So many twists and I never know who will get cut next. Also the contestants are very strange this season. I go back and forth on hating them. But one person is constant....I REALLY do not like the Hedge Hog.

So the guest judge is Charlie Palmer. The dude looks like a pedophile and also like the butler form the Simpsons that always says, "Yesssss."

He is famous for popularizing American cuisine and he worked with both of the Vagina Brothers (the Voltaggio's.) I didn't think it was fair. By the way, is it me or are the brothers' eyes getting smaller and more rat like?

So the quickfire challenge is pretty lame. They have to do a food pairing with potato chips. Nothing about this excites me. I call that challenge: lunch. Anyway, ugly Eli wins it because he is fat and gorges on chips while smoking pot in his mother's basement. Ya, he lives with his parents. And he was trying to pawn it off like its this kitchy off beat lifestyle he CHOOSES to adhere to. Sure pig, sure. He makes Potato Clam Salad with Fennel, Celery, and White Truffle Sauce and pairs it with the onion potato chips. It looked good....for once.

So the main challenge seemed like something I could get behind. They have to cook for Pigs and Pinot an event dedicated to eating pig and drinking pinot. WHO HAS BEEN READING MY DIARY? Why wasn't I invited? Anyway, they all got to choose their pinot and build a dish around it. Then they drew knives to see what cut of pork they had to cook. Its so serendipitous because I cooked pork tenderloin yesterday in a chardonnay and applebutter reduction. Seriously, who is following me around?

So it seemed like everyone did a great job. There was porkiness everywhere and everything looked really good, despite them serving their dishes on clear plastic plates and serving wine in plastic tumblers. Anywhoo, the winner was Kevin again! He made Pork Leg Pate and paired it with the 2006 Sokol Blosser Dundee Hills, Pinot Noir. His looked gross, but I love pate and I bet it was delicious. He also had chopped chestnuts on top which was genius. Like I said before, Kevin has this in the bag! I want to start a fantasy football team but with Top Chef. I'm great at guessing who will win... and I need the money.

So the losers are Lauraine, Robin and Ash. Lauraine made a pork butt Rillettes. The judges said hers tasted the worst and it was like cat food. She should have been sent home...but wasn't. Robin made a Brined Center Cut Pork Chop and the complaint was that she didn't have enough meat on the plate. And Ash made a Chilled Pork Tenderloin with corn and I think olives. He also embarrassed himself again by saying the Hedge Hog was a master chef and he second guessed what he was going to make and the event. Needless to say, he went home. It was time.

So I feel a little weird because I kinda like Robin now. Everyone was totally ganging up on her and my inner ghetto/savior was like "Nuh Uh! Oh nooo you didn't!" Everyone was being so mean to her at the house especially the little hog Eli. He was yelling at her for no reason. He took the cutting board she JUST cleaned and was about to use. After she told him that, he went off and started yelling that she wasn't his mom as he descended the stairs. It was very comical because in that situation, she did look like his mom. And he seemed like an immature, ungrateful, ugly child stomping down the stairs to his lair of stink, porno, and heavy metal music. She just responds with, "Thank god I'm not your mother." And she truly believes this with every fiber of her being. Go Robin.

What was also weird was that Mike Isabella wasn't totally disgusting this episode. He kinda shut up and stopped being an asshole. He made fun of himself a bit and had a good looking lebanese meatball dish. He also looks like my bartender G Spot, so maybe that has something to do with it. Anyway, great show. Can't wait for next episode when its Restaurant Wars. Sweet.