Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Problem with Vegans

Ok, so my two weeks are almost up. On Sunday I will celebrate my 2 week detox with a cold beer and a grilled cheese sandwich. Anyway, in these two weeks of eating like a rabbit, I have learned a couple things about vegans and why no body likes them.

First thing is that you are always cold. I think its because you’re not ingesting enough fat, although I have my reserves! ;) Anyway, since vegans are always cold, it makes sense why they wear weird hats all the time. They're fabsolutely freezing! And since they can not experiment with food, they have to get their cheap thrills by wearing weird hats.

Second thing is that no one would choose to be vegan if it didn’t make them lose weight. Seriously, vegans are not super ethical people, they are super into being skinny. Ask a vegan this: If the vegan diet for some weird reason made you really healthy and clean inside and out, but also made you put on 10 lbs, would you do it? Guarantee you wouldn’t find ANYONE who would. Vegan is a posh word celebrities use for anorexia, which all leads to my next point.

Vegans want to eat like normal people. Seriously. Open any vegan cookbook and its all a mash of fruits and nuts to assimilate normal food. Its all faux lasagna and faux carne asada burritos. They don’t have their own menu. Its no joke. The weirdest thing I found was vegan cheesecake. That just proves to me that these poor vegans are craving good shit and are mashing food together to trick themselves into thinking that vegan eats are good. It breaks my heart.

And on the flip side, I did enjoy this diet. I do feel lighter and clean and I lost about 5lbs. Problem is, its incredibly boring. Its very repetitive and not very exciting. Sure I’ve only been doing it for 2 weeks, so by no means am I an expert, but sheesh, I am SICK TO DEATH of the food. I don't want anymore tofu or Asian or Indian food. I just want some variety and most importantly, I want cheese. I could care less about pork, chicken, or beef. I just want something warm and smothered in cheese. I think I could easily be a vegetarian, but there's no way I’m giving up dairy. Actually, there’s no way I’m giving up meat either. What's a holiday without meat?

So to cap it all off, I will continue to juice every morning, and I will eat less dairy and less meat, but I'm not taking it out of my diet. So do not fret, the blog will still feature lots of fatty foods and gluttony. Till then, happy eating!


  1. Wow. Without a doubt my favorite post yet. 1) I laughed at the title. 2) I thought, "Does she know these people in the picture? Are they friends of hers? If not, why is she assuming they're vegans? Must be the hats." Sure enough, it was hat profiling, and I agree. Meat-eaters don't wear those hats. 3) I learned that vegans are always cold. 4) You're kind of like the guy from Super Size Me, but in reverse. 5) Before you said it, I said it. "There's no way she's giving up meat." 6) I find all the imitation meat and meat-flavored foods interesting. Same for diet or health bars/shakes that are all flavored double chocolate fudge or strawberry short cake. 7) I was a little worried that the blog would become all about eating natural, not shaving, and using compost piles as a holistic shower, but on the other hand, would be excited for a blog that strictly told vegans how dumb they were.

  2. Ha ha. I TOTALLY agree with everything you said. Giving up meat I understand completely (especially since I love Hercules so much...) And there are plenty of happy, chubby vegetarians out there. Many of them are doing it completely out of love for animals. But giving up dairy and eggs? Um....why? If mass dairy farming and mass egg production bothers you, just buy free range eggs and cheese from small farms (which I almost always do...) But yeah: being vegan ONLY has to do with weight loss. I totally agree. I just don't see why they don't admit it. You want to be skinny: fine. It's the deceit and the sanctimoniousness that annoys me. Also, I think fake meat is the grossest thing ever. I love vegetarian food but when they try to simulate meat, it's just gross. Also, shouldn't meat TASTE gross to you if you are a vegetarian? Oh and faux vegan lasagna? Don't even want to think about it. If you are a vegan, you don't get to have lasagna: it's one of the tings that you give up forever. Sorry! (Although I do really love veggie lasagna with zucchinis and eggplant: much better than meat lasagna in my book! )

  3. Oh and those girls look like SUCH vegans in the profile picture. Ha ha ha.

  4. Ha ha ha - I used to have one of those EXACT same hats in college when I was Patchouli-Julie! It smelled like hay and looked terrible! Sweet flashback.