Wednesday, March 14, 2012

The Ides of March

So its Thursday, and I guess that means I need to check in with my community here and talk about all the things I have (not) accomplished.

I had my first personal training session yesterday. I'm crazy sore. Also, I almost threw up. I had the brilliant idea of going out with a bang so I drank the night before, ate hot wings and tater skins, smoked 3 cigarettes and had 5 hours of sleep. Let me tell you.....TERRIBLE IDEA. At one point I had to stop exercising, excuse myself to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face, then stand outside for about 10 minutes so I wouldn't hurl. Can you say GLAMOUR GIRL? My trainer said I was pale and green. Not good signs. He is also having me eat every 2.5 hours and I thought that it sounded like a grand idea, but its NOT! It's actually making me feel nauseous. It's just too much food. I feel like I'm constantly digesting food which is a gross feeling. I'm so bloated and I hate it. I prefer my diet that consists of not eating all day, then binging on pizza or a paninni at 3pm, then drinking all night and eating a Lunchable with a bag of Flammin' Hot Cheetos. As I am writing this, I am force feeding myself a yogurt. Bleh.

So I'm not sure if I excelled or failed miserably at the challenge of not being stupid with boys. I met this guy (lets call him The Professor) and we hit it off immediately. We went to a microbrewery on our first date and it was super fun. We had a ton in common and I just genuinely liked his personality, kinda a hipster-nerd thing going on. After our first date, he had plans to go to Europe for 2 weeks. Kinda sucked cause I wanted to see him again. Anyways, after his trip he contacted me and planned our second date. On the second date he took me out for burgers and scotch at a really nice restaurant in town. He also brought me back a scarf from his travels which I thought was super sweet! Second date went really well and I invited him back to my apartment to hang out. I was surprised that he didn't try any 'funny business' and was actually impressed that he was trying to get to know me rather than stick his hands in my g-bang. Two days after that date, he called me and invited me out for breakfast. I went and we had another fun time! He also went with me to Target and helped me pick out toys for my nieces and nephew. He also told me that he bought us tickets to go to a concert together in May. Obviously he MUST like me, right?? He was planning future dates and shit. So why was there NEVER a kiss?? I'm 29 and he is 30, the jig is up. I understand not kissing on the first date but on the 3rd? Shit is getting weird. So all this is making me feel slightly weird but I'm pushing it into the back of my head. Then we had our 4th date Tuesday night. I purposely wore a low cut shirt to see if he was gay or not and I didn't even catch him checking out my boobs! Very peculiar. Also, on all 4 dates he never once complimented me on my looks, just my personality. Our last date ended well again, and he made plans to spend St. Patty's Day with me but once again, no kiss.

I went to work and told the girls the strange dating habits of The Professor and then things got weird. We decided, as a group, to FaceBook stalk the shit out of him for clues to try and decipher his weird asexual ways. I was convinced he was gay, S was convinced he had a wife, and Y thought he was just being a gentlemen. So through the majesty of social media, we concluded that he indeed has a girlfriend who now lives in Russia. Also that little trip to Europe of his, ya, he was visiting her. And there were pics of them together frolicking in the snow talking about how they love each other and love watching each other sleep (??). Also, the Russkie looks EXACTLY like me but 20 lbs heavier. Honestly. She is my little rotund doppelganger. We look so similar that I was taking pictures of her on my phone to send my girlfriend.

Now I'll get to the good part. Through a serious of very strange and unfortunate events, I end up sending The Professor a thumbnail image of HIS girlfriend to HIM! Right. So awkward. I can actually FEEL the bile rise in my throat. The thing is, it was a very small thumbnail and it was somehow in the bottom right corner of another photo that I sent him. I'm not sure if he even saw it. Also, he could possibly think its me, cause its that small and she is my damn twin and all. My own sister thought it was a picture of me! Anyways, now I feel super awkward and I don't want to see him ever again. I know he is going to ask me tomorrow is we are still on for the weekend. This will be my reply:

No actually. I liked you and had a lot of fun with you. I feel like you have feelings for someone else and I think it's a little dishonest and unfair to me. Good luck and take care.

So one part of me feels like I'm being smart. But the other part of me is kicking my own ass for stalking someone, and then sending him photos of evidence. Ya. Its a toss up here. Anyone out there ever get caught fucking up with technology?? The damn kids with their Walkmans, and their FaceSpace and the Google! Comment below. I need to hear it!


  1. Hello, I found your blog from pish's challenge. I think you will get used to the eating eventually. Your system is most likely shocked from the change. If you give it a a few weeks, it will get much better:)

    The professor story cracked me up. I'm sorry he ended up being a douche (he seemed promising to me). Social media is a blessing and a curse. There are more opportunities for guys to be douchebags with the internet, but also more ways they can be caught. That is hilarious you sent him his gf's photo!

    The only time I remember screwing up pretty bad is when I was arguing with my boyfriend. I texted my friend all this whiny bullshit about him that was totally exaggerated and *oops* sent it right to him instead. AWKWARD.

    1. OH MY GOSH! Hahaa I can't believe you sent your bf a text message of you blasting him. Classic. Thanks. That made me feel better.

      As for the eating, oh man! It has been HARD. I feel soooo gross. It better get easier soon! :)

  2. Well, here's a story for you. A few years ago, our boss at corporate put us on notice to not waste company time forwarding jokes etc. So a few mintues later my husband sends me the best joke ever. I then went to forward it to my best friend who's name starts with a B (and so does my boss's) and the curser dropped and sent it to her took a couple of seconds to realize what I had done and had a stroke right there on the spot. 10 minutes went by and I got a reply saying "Very funny". I wanted to die. I still work here by the way.

    1. Oh Cindy! That's a good one! Lucky for you that you have a boss with a sense of humor. Or, the joke was just awesome.

      Appreciate the comment. Makes me feel less like an old person who doesn't understand technology.

  3. Haha I love the diet you "prefer" ;) that sounds sick in its own way lol. Cheetos?

    Stick his hand in your gbang. Ahahaha you have a way with words!!

    You should visit Cpeezy's blog too I think you guys would love each other. She's a friend in real life. Hers is the first blog listed on the linkup

    OMG first as I was reading I am thinking he's gay. And then I got to the thumbnail sent to him bit and I just have to tell you I fucking love your posts and cpeezy's posts so much. They light up my life :)

    Interestingly enough your sister accidentally texted me a quite personal text just last night - it was either meant for you or Billy, but I ignored it because I have done that before myself to people and OMG it's so irritating. Texts and emails are so dangerous. I think I have emailed someone going "ARGH this person is pissing me OFF!!" and I sent it to them instead of my friend. Awkward.

    That's the second time facebook stalking has led to mess tho for you hasn't it?

    Anyway - maybe to him they weren't date dates since he didn't check you out or compliment you, maybe he just misses his girlfriend and gets lonely and he was like hey holy shit here is this girl who looks just like her I will ask her out on some casual dates.

    I mean did you ever ask him if he's seeing anyone? Just do that? Too often we assume that because we are going on dates that it is exclusive. He might have told her about you.

    Good luck with your workouts!! I feel like one of your professional goals for our project should be to start writing more food reviews and sending them in places - or at least to research what are the best ways to become a critic!

    When are we going to open our own restaurant? :)

    Hot Flaming Cheetos will not be on the menu tho

    1. You know, I thought about the whole thing with The Professor and you do have a point. I should have just asked. Thing is, I find it unfair to be all "in love" and then taking me out. If he was just seeing other people, no problem. But it was the whole visiting in europe, I love you shit that made me despise him. It seemed deceptive. And we all know that I like to be head bitch, not choice #2.

      And Flammin Hot Cheetos are delicious. So delicious that they dont even have a "g" on the end of the name.

  4. Eating often really is hard. I'm better at it some days than others, depending on my work schedule and whether I'm following the 'good' food choices or the 'bad' ones.

    Your man story gives me crazy anxiety, so i'm afraid i have absolutely no good advice whatsoever. I guess you could just fb stalk every guy who asks you on a date...that could give you some insight from the get go :D

    1. Hahaha. My dating life tends to be anxiety producing. And I wish text messages and Face Book didnt exist. Its all too much.

      Anyways, the food thing is getting a wee bit easier. Im just not hungry and shoving food down my pie hole makes me feel disgusting, even if it is healthy and is small amounts.

  5. My grandma called it MyFace. I think a pretty good, accurate name actually.